


If You Always Chase Perfection

by Northernsociety



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton Has Anxiety, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens Fluff, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bit of Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Fluff and Angst, Gay John Laurens, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Hurt Alexander Hamilton, I might continue, M/M, My First Hamilton Fic, Slow Burn, bit of angst, not historically accurate, why am i so nervous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25378303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Northernsociety/pseuds/Northernsociety
Summary: John held Alex as tightly as he could, feeling some of the tension start to recede as Alex took some deep breaths that tickled the skin on John’s neck. He felt goosebumps rise and a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he pushed the thoughts that came along with it straight back down as quickly as they had risen.*Alex never stops in his pursuit of perfection and John, his flatmate, is always there to pick up the pieces when his demons catch up with him. John can think of worse ways to spend the evenings than holding Alex close while he comes round from another nightmare.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 8
Kudos: 141





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this is my first fic. And I'm scared. I really hope you like it *crosses fingers*  
> John and Alex are flatmates while they study at University.

John heard the bathroom door click shut again. He listened for a moment, but he could hear nothing other than the light tap of the rain on the window.

‘Alex?’ he called. ‘Are you ok?’

This was the third time in an hour he’d heard his flatmate lock himself away in the bathroom. Normally he wouldn’t question it – Alex had a pretty heavy coffee habit – but he had been a little quiet recently.

‘Alex?’

John moved to the bathroom door, tapping on the flaking wood. Their landlord was stingy when it came to decorating the place, but the rent was cheap.

‘I’m ok,’ replied Alex, his voice sounding strange. ‘I’ll be out in a moment.’

‘Are you sure? You don’t sound ok.’

‘I promise, I’m fine,’ replied Alex with more conviction.

John sloped back to his armchair where he had been reading one of the set novels for his English class. It was 11pm, but with a seminar bright and early in the morning, he wanted to make sure he had something to say. He wasn’t like Alex. He couldn’t just charm everyone on the spit with his wit and quick brain. He needed time to think.

The bathroom door creaked open and John caught sight of Alex trying to slip unnoticed back towards his bedroom.

‘Hey,’ John said. ‘You going to bed soon? Or do you want to join me in a discussion on the American Dream in the Great Gatsby? Could really do with your input. I need to impress Martha or I’m going to fail this class.’

‘I’m working on my essay for George’s class. You know I’d usually help out, but I don’t even take English and…’

‘No worries, man. But I thought you’d finished that essay days ago?’

Alex froze in the doorway.

‘But what if it’s not good enough? It needs to be perfect. I’m running out of time and it’s not perfect.’

John recognised the stiffness in Alex’s voice and the tension in his body. Alex was a mere shadow in the doorway, but John could suddenly read a thousand shades of meaning in the way the other boy stood and spoke.

‘Alex…’

‘No, don’t. I’m fine.’

‘We’ve been here before, haven’t we?’ John phrased it delicately. He knew Alex didn’t like to be reminded of what he saw as his weaknesses.

‘It’s only until I hand this essay in.’

‘It should only be never again, Alex. You need to take care of yourself. You need to sleep. You need eat. You need to breathe.’

John’s speech seemed to have an impact on his flatmate. Alex’s shoulders slumped and he leaned against the doorframe, rubbing a trembling hand across his face.

‘Come here,’ said John, shuffling up on his armchair to make room for the other boy. Alex slid into the spot next to his flatmate, feeling only warm solidity against his own shaking body.

‘I’ve been having nightmares again,’ said Alex quietly. ‘And panic attacks.’

‘I know,’ whispered John, putting his arms around Alex. ‘I’ve been watching you go back and forth to the bathroom. And I can hear you muttering in the night.’

Alex sobbed, letting his head fall onto John’s shoulder. He hated for John to see him like this. But John knew exactly what to do when Alex got like this – when the thoughts wouldn’t stop racing, when everything just needed to be so goddamn perfect otherwise he just might die. Even when Alex could no longer breathe under the weight of his own thoughts, John could somehow coax some air back into his lungs.  
John held Alex as tightly as he could, feeling some of the tension start to recede as Alex took some deep breaths that tickled the skin on John’s neck. He felt goosebumps rise and a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he pushed the thoughts that came along with it straight back down as quickly as they had risen.

‘Thank God Laf can’t see us,’ said Alex after a few more moments. ‘He would definitely be starting rumours.’

A brief pause. ‘That would be less than ideal.’


	2. Chapter 2

The morning sunlight streamed through the window, warming the two boys who were curled up on the armchair. John woke first and felt a flutter in his stomach as he remembered the warm weight on his body was Alex, his head still resting on his shoulder. John’s neck was stiff, but he didn’t want to move and wake Alex. Instead he watched his sleeping flatmate for a few moments longer until Alex’s eyes fluttered open.

‘Morning,’ said John softly. ‘I take it you slept?’

‘Surprisingly well,’ replied Alex. ‘First time in days I haven’t had a nightmare.’

‘What are they about, Alex?’ asked John, shuffling up slightly so he could see more of his flatmate. ‘They’ve been part of you for as long as I’ve known you. Apart from a few months more recently when I thought you’d got better.’

He felt Alex tense again and thought for a moment he wouldn’t answer.

‘I’m back in the Caribbean. My mother is dead, but this time there’s no option for a better life. I’m forgotten. I’m stupid. I’m left to die as an orphan. It’s slightly different each time, but the result is always the same.’

‘Hey, but that didn’t happen. You’re here!’

‘I know, but it could all be snatched away in an instant. If I don’t get the perfect grades, I’ll get kicked out of university. If I’m not the perfect foster son, George and Martha will disown me. If I’m not the perfect flatmate, you’ll turn against me. I wake up barely able to breathe at the thought. I know I need to work harder. I know I need to be better. I need to prove…’

Before he knew what he was doing, John grabbed Alex’s hand. Alex looked surprised but he didn’t pull away.

‘You’re perfect as you are. You don’t need to prove anything.’

Alex smiled sadly. ‘Oh, but I do.’

They sat for a few more minutes, Alex’s hand still in John’s. 

‘The panic attacks are nature’s way of telling you to slow down,’ said John eventually.

‘And the nightmares are nature’s way of telling me I need to fight harder.’

‘God,’ muttered John. He knew Alex’s brain was a complicated place, but this battle seemed impossible to win. Alex would never listen to anyone or anything telling him to slow down. 

‘Well, I’d better get going,’ said Alex. John was sure he heard a note of regret in his voice, but he put it down to wishful thinking. ‘I’m giving a presentation this evening and I haven’t rehearsed as much as I’d like.’

‘Really? For George’s class?’

‘Kind of. There are some visiting lecturers coming over for a conference and George asked me to present my paper.’

‘That’s a big deal, Alex! Why didn’t you tell me? Congratulations!’

‘It’s been a bit more of a curse than a blessing. I just want to get it over and done with.’

Alex clambered somewhat ungracefully out of the armchair, a few of his joints clicking and cracking as he stretched in the warmth of the sun. John felt only half himself at the loss of the warm weight on him.

‘It’s open to everyone,’ said Alex shyly. ‘You should come. Only if you want to. Which you probably don’t but…’

‘I’d love to!’ said John, berating himself instantly at his lack of self-restraint. He doesn’t even know the topic of the presentation, for Christ’s sake. But Alex just flashes him an enormous grin that makes John’s heart beat ten times faster.

*****

‘I didn’t know you had an interest in the French Fourth Republic,’ muttered Lafayette as John slid into the seat next to him. The lecture theatre was enormous, but John had spotted the stylish jacket and extravagant hairdo a mile away. 

‘We’re not all uncultured louts, Laf,’ retorted John. ‘And don’t pretend you’re here by choice. George probably threatened to fail you if you didn’t turn up at some point.’

‘And I guess the reason you’re here is so you can ogle my beloved brother? I really should mess you up for having impure thoughts about my own flesh and blood. But then you would be a really cute couple.’ Laf inspected a perfectly manicured hand as he spoke.

‘He’s your _foster_ brother, idiot. And I’m not here to ogle anyone. I’m here to be supportive of my flatmate.’ John hoped his cheeks didn’t look as hot as they felt.

‘Is that what they call it these days?’ replied Laf. John didn’t have the chance to reply however as George appeared on the stage at the front of the room, gesturing for silence from the audience.

John glanced quickly around the big lecture theatre. Nearly every seat was full, and John recognised a few of Alex’s coursemates among the sea of faces. He shuddered at the thought of speaking in front of so many people, but he knew it was what Alex excelled at.

A few moments later, Alex appeared on the stage. He was wearing his smartest shirt, his dark hair scraped back into a neat ponytail. John didn’t understand much of what he was saying, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off the boy who was commanding the stage with almost more authority than George had moments before him. The confident, cocksure figure standing in front of this seemingly endless crowd was almost irreconcilable with the trembling boy John had held in his arms for most of the previous night. He was enchanting to watch, and even Lafayette’s smug glances couldn’t persuade John to tear his eyes away for even a moment.


	3. Chapter 3

‘Where the hell is my brother?’ said Lafayette, impatiently tapping his foot. John didn’t think it was something people actually did outside movies and soap operas, but Lafayette somehow pulled it off.

‘Text him?’ suggested Hercules, Lafayette’s flatmate and fellow politics student. When they’d first met, John had felt intimidated by his hulking frame and blunt manner of speech, but he was sometimes a relief from the flamboyance and drama of Lafayette.

‘I have, genius,’ replied Laf, brandishing his phone at his friend. ‘He hasn’t read any of my messages. I’m sure he’s had plenty of time to talk the ears off all the crusty old professors by now.’

Laf had a point. The building was emptying out and John had spotted George leaving with a few authoritative looking figures, who he’d assumed to be the visiting lecturers. He felt a pang of worry in his stomach.

‘Let me pop to the bathroom,’ he said, edging away before either of the others had the chance to follow him. He hoped he was wrong but he had a feeling he knew where Alex might be.

‘Hello?’ He tapped softly on the door before opening it.

Alex was standing in front of the mirror, his hands gripping the porcelain sink as if he might fall off the planet if he let go. His skin was ashen, glistening once more with sweat.

‘Oh, Alex…’

Alex gestured to John not come any closer. John stood back, feeling helpless. He wanted to pull Alex to his chest and hold him until the shaking stopped and his skin cooled. He wanted to tap out a steady heartbeat on his back until he could breathe again. He would do it all night if he had to.

‘Shall I get Laf?’ he asked eventually, unsure of any other course of action.

Alex shook his head. ‘Can you tell him to go away?’

‘He’s your brother,’ protested John. ‘You shouldn’t be doing this alone.’

‘I just want to go home,’ whispered Alex. ‘Will you take me home?’

John sighed. He didn’t mind taking care of Alex. In fact, he took a perverse kind of pleasure when Alex sought his comfort above anyone else’s. But it wasn’t helping the other feelings that so often arose when Alex’s skin touched his or when the coconut scent of his shampoo tickled his nose and lingered on his clothes for days afterwards.

He fired off a quick text to Laf saying he and Alex were heading home for an early night, rolling his eyes at the predictable response. _I bet you are._

‘Come on,’ he said softly. ‘Let’s go and jump in a cab.’

******

John unlocked the door to the flat and let Alex slip past him. By the time he’d locked up, the other boy was nowhere to be seen. Alex had been silent the whole way home, his hand gripping the door handle of the cab so hard his knuckles turned white. Otherwise, had John not know the internal struggle that was raging on inside him, Alex would merely have looked tired.

‘Alex…’ 

The room to Alex’s door was ajar, although he couldn’t hear his flatmate moving inside. He popped his head around the door.

‘Do you need anything?’

Alex was lying on his bed, curled up in a ball. His hair was starting to tumble out of his ponytail and his cheeks were tear stained and flushed with the effort of trying to control his breathing.

‘I’ll get you a glass of water,’ said John. It was the only sensible thing he could think of.

‘Come here,’ said Alex softly. ‘Please.’

John hesitated, uncertain he’d heard correctly. But Alex looked at him expectantly, shuffling himself back to make room for John to sit down on the bed. John sat on the edge, unsure whether Alex still didn’t want to be touched.

‘Will you stay here tonight?’ asked Alex, his cheeks flushing even more.

‘I live here, silly,’ said John, not daring to presume he knew what the other boy meant.

‘You know what I mean.’

John didn’t move for what felt like a lifetime. Then he felt a warm hand curl itself tentatively around his wrist. The hand had slid down his arm to his waist, the fingertips digging into the soft flesh there.

‘Alex. Not now…’

‘Please.’

‘Not now,’ he repeated more firmly, pushing Alex’s hand away. 

Alex looked wounded and John felt guilt rising in his chest. But there was no way he could let Alex do what he was about to do, no matter how often he’d imagined something similar in the privacy of his own bedroom.

‘You’re not well, Alex.’

John left Alex’s room about half an hour later once his breathing had calmed and he’d been persuaded to take at least a few sips of water. John had kept an unusually strict level of propriety, only touching Alex to help him sit up and to make sure he was comfortable.

Lying in his own room staring at the ceiling, he knew Alex must have fallen asleep as he could no longer hear the bed creak as he tossed and turned. He waited a few minutes longer and as predictably as day follows night, he heard his flatmate begin to whimper.


	4. Chapter 4

The storm hit hard the next day. The window panes rattled in the gale that brought with it raindrops the size of pennies. The sky was a deep, threatening grey with an electric hue that promised thunder later in the day. John rolled out of bed, thanking God it was Saturday and he didn’t have anywhere to be.

He padded to the living room, surprised to see Alex sitting at the dining table. Alex was usually in the library first thing on a Saturday morning.

‘I’ve made you breakfast,’ said Alex, his tone flat. John could feel an awkward vibe.

‘There was no need,’ said John sitting down. ‘But thank you. It’s very kind.’

‘I wanted to say thank you for looking after me. And sorry for making you feel uncomfortable.’

‘You didn’t make me…’ began John and then realised what Alex was thinking. ‘Oh!’ He let out a short burst of laughter. Alex looked hurt.

‘You didn’t make me uncomfortable.’ John filled his bowl with the delicious looking porridge Alex had laid out for him. ‘Well, not in the way you think anyway.’

‘Do explain,’ said Alex, not looking amused. He had dark circles under his eyes and John remembered the whimpering he’d heard in the night.

‘You were very vulnerable last night.’ John struggled to find the words to continue. He suspected they were on the edge of something, but he didn’t want to be the one to cross it. Alex was the one who crossed edges, so free with his words and his feelings. John preferred safe ground. ‘But if you were to do what you did again when you’re not so vulnerable…’

John trailed off. He hoped he’d been clear enough without actually having to articulate what he meant.

‘This?’ asked Alex, reaching across the table for John’s wrist. His fingers were feather light and John suppressed shudder, feeling the goosebumps prickle across his skin.

‘Exactly that.’

‘What if I asked if you would stay with me tonight?’

‘I would say yes.’

John was rewarded with a caress to his cheek. He was fairly sure his skin was about to catch fire at the touch, but he would be damned if he moved a muscle. Alex’s hand trailed down to his neck, fingertips grazing the skin of his throat, exerting gentle pressure as he tilted John’s chin upwards.

Then all at once, Alex’s lips were on his. Confident, firm, solid. Yet again, John found himself astonished that this could be the same Alex who sobbed in the night and gripped the porcelain sink until it looked like it might break. He kissed back hungrily, pulling Alex to his feet. They staggered over to the armchair, where Alex pushed John down, straddling him with an unfamiliar passion in his eyes.

‘Wait,’ muttered John, trying to untangle himself from another bruising kiss. ‘I just need to get my head around this.’

‘I can be more than one thing, John,’ said Alex, resting his hands on John’s broad chest. ‘The things I go through… the nightmares, the panic attacks, the anxiety. They’re not all of me.’

‘No, I know. But I never knew you were…’

‘Attracted to you?’ laughed Alex. ‘Did you not get the message loud and clear from Lafayette? He’s been trying to orchestrate this for months, but I didn’t think you were interested. You’re almost impossible to read. Unless I happen to be cuddled up to you on an armchair when you think I’m asleep and I can hear your heartbeat.’

John turned crimson at the memory and Alex pressed a cool hand to his cheek.

‘Now that you have your head wrapped around all of this, can we continue?’

John could see no further reason to argue. He found his lips once again on Alex’s, relishing the feeling of the other boy’s hands exploring every inch of his body. He tangled his fingers in Alex’s hair, groaning as Alex reciprocated the gesture, resting his forehead against John’s, breathing heavily.

It seemed to go on for an eternity. Hungry kisses, soft caresses, throaty moans that John had not even known he was capable of. He smiled at the sight of Alex so lost in something that wasn’t work. His hair was falling in his face, his lips red and swollen as they danced across John’s skin. He looked such a beautiful mess that John couldn’t help but think it was such a waste of time to always chase perfection.

The pair tired themselves out this way, in no rush to go any further than this blissful exploration. Alex curled himself up contentedly against John, listening to the strong, certain heartbeat. Midmorning naps had never been his thing, but as sleep began to take him, he felt ready for whatever torture his brain might throw his way as he let down his guard. It wasn’t a cure, but the promise of waking up in the soft warmth of John’s arms certainly improved things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my first ever fic. Your comments and kudos are so greatly appreciated. Let me know if you'd like to see more. Maybe of this, or something else?


End file.
